I heard something today. It made sense. it kind of tied things together in a most romantic manner. A mother was talking to her son about her own sister and how they sere separated at a young age. I won’t go further into the story, but she did at one point say that, ‘whenever we look at the moonlight, no matter where we might be, we are always together.” Of course the comment did resonate with me, although I also had to look at the reality of my life.

I met with my analyst today, I was in good spirits. We did speak about the possibility of my down times coming back as regularly as my high moments. That conversation was a high moment, I could feel it, and I acknowledged how quickly I could go the opposite direction. I then heard from someone, doesn’t matter the words, just seeing the name is enough for the moment. I had a quiet response and thought about all the dynamics of a relationship with someone you care a great deal about. I do care for this person with all my heart and soul, but in recent weeks I have realized the strain that confidence in what I feel puts upon her.

I think in love, we forget the partner and sometimes, or often times, we remember ourselves far too easily. OUr ego is bruised so we try to fix things, and what happens is rather than ease the divide I widen the gulf.

So today, I cannot put enough in between what I feel now and what i want to feel in the future. I so wish to quiet the nature of my self abandonment. Despite myself I know there will always be something true.

Next time the moon arrives, when it fills and she comes to mind, I’ll just imagine.


©Scott F Savage 5/2020

‘letters not sent’

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