I looked up in the sky tonight and saw the full moon. It took my breath away naked to the world, not a cloud nearby. I was caught in the moment and felt my eyes begin to well up. Lately I cry quite often and I know the reason why. I cry over loss of routine, I cry when there is rain on my windows, I cry over the loss of a friend. I cry when I let loneliness take over my state of mind.
I’m planning to leave town on Sunday – a few days to myself with my dog. I began to think tonight it is going to be tough, with flooding memories, and the loss of a dear friend who I always yearned whenever I returned to this spot. I will sit in my temporary world near the lake and I will wonder where she might be, not her, her.
The full moon often takes me places, rather solemn places nowadays as my life has been stripped of its confidence for quite some time now. I look and act the part but inside I am pretty quiet with not a lot happening. I reach out to my family – brothers and sister – and they are always here for me, but I worry when it becomes too much for them, or will I begin to feel like I am a burden as I have felt my entire life, though managed to put it aside for long stretches. In recent months the feeling has returned prevalent in every arena of my life.
It is just past 11 now and I will go to bed with her in my mind, a dichotomy of life but the pursuit I would rather focus upon because of her real support and genuine love. Even though I know there is difficulty, clear in my mind is the love we have shared. Every memory I have shows confidence and compassion in our interactions. I have come to terms in recent weeks that during a time apart, I looked for her every where I went for well over a decade. I won her back for a time, but life got in the way.
I have a devastated frame of mind. I worry about this haunting feeling that is always around me, all the time. Doc asked me if I ever feel like hurting myself on a scale of 1 – 3 and three being the highest I always say a 1 and an occasional 2. Doc says the one is as serious as the three depending on the context, and I listen I really do, and yet, I don’t see a solution when my days fall down.
I am showing signs of defeat I know I am. I reached out to a couple of friends recently who have not responded. I’m afraid I might have pushed them away, and yet I haven’t any idea – but I do know I push everyone away.
There is a green light on the lake I always look for and this weekend I will find it. I know I will, and then I will breathe, forever.
© Scott F Savage 6/2020