I was outside in my hammock all afternoon. My dog hung out with me. I am on this holiday, and my grief or self-reflection has been creeping in all afternoon. I stopped posting on my more public site because there is a person I don’t want to hurt with my expression of pain. I have always felt poetry to be a safe avenue to express myself, but in recent weeks I am coming to terms with the impact of my words on others. So I’m planning to use this site to dig more deeply into my world.
(If you do access this site e, tell me, and I will temper any words.)
The above parenthetical is to protect my dear friend whom I have seemingly lost. She was my strength in the last few years and got me through so many difficult moments, those that were adding up daily and finally reached their pinnacle over the winter holiday. The day after Christmas my marriage ended after thirty years. My wife and I really didn’t share anything with each other anymore. We still care about each other but it was time to move on, I knew it, she chose it. We struggled for about a decade. I faced demons that she helped me get through, but the aftermath was not enough to sustain the energy that brought us together. We may be friends one day, probably better friends than in marriage – the onus is off sort of speak.
Which makes a good transition for a conversation about mental health. I live with bipolar depression. I have in my writing seldom led with that reality, but in this blog I’m going to try to pull out all the stops. Recently I saw my therapist, about a week ago, and my frame of mind was flying. I was on top of the world, and I felt it and in speaking with her I knew there was an important caution ahead. I dropped like a fireball starting this weekend, and I’m in rough shape tonight. So I’m using this page to somehow process my thoughts. I don’t like feeling like hurting myself, I don’t like being despondent. When I am in this state of mind, I don’t want to reach out to anyone, so then it builds on itself.
(If you can read this, let me know, it is not my intention for you to witness this journey.)
There is one person I would give my heart and soul to, and this presents an unfortunate circumstance. As life would have it we don’t have the freedom to share with one another in the manner we once did. The ideal of love stepped in to interfere with our reality, and our separate reactions have been the demise of our relationship.
This brings me to state of mind. My mother said once when I was in my teens, I have an all or nothing personality. I guess that was an early diagnosis of bipolar depression. Makes sense to me today. I didn’t understand it back then.
I have lived a life fraught with addiction and failure. It is hard to look past negative events in my life and move forward. Recently the turn of events that I have experienced do offer a new freedom, but I don’t quite know how to embrace it right now. I do know the one person I care about more than anyone else in my life will hold a key to my happiness until the day I pass. She doesn’t have to be with me, as I clearly know today, but her spirit and energy will invigorate me in optimism forever.
At the same time, I have counted on her too much. So, let’s get back to talking about moods. I knew this would be a tough weekend, with the h
I’m starting to ramble. This is my view from my hammock. It is settling, a bit of peace on a difficult day. I guess the point of this writing is to acknowledge where I wish to go with this page – Personal Testimony – as it is going to be about me, and takeaways or rejections are up to the reader.
© Scott F Savage 5/2020