This is a particularly difficult weekend. Memorial Day weekend represents almost three decades of driving to a cabin with my spouse, and this is the first weekend I am staying home because we are no longer together. The memories are rampant and if I didn’t have a lot of months behind me, I would probably be crying like a baby as I write this passage. I am weepy but for a different reason than one would imagine under the circumstances.
I miss my wife because the cabin represented probably our most peaceful time together, because it is difficult for it not to be when you are sheltered within many acres of maple. We would do a lot of hiking and a lot of reading at night. It was a place for my own inspiration with my writing. Some nights I might write 10 poems in one sitting that I would later review and post on my blog when I was back on the grid. There was no grid deep in the woods, and there sometimes I liked but one reason I didn’t.
This weekend I do miss the cabin, and I have fond memories that my wife and I shared for many years. But more, I miss a compassionate person whose heart I broke and she my own long before I began to understand the circumstances of my divorce. It’s rather ironic when in my writing people think I am writing about my relationship over three decades falling apart, but the truth is I’m not.
For me, that leaves only confusion. It leaves a certain sadness that will not depart anytime soon. While I do miss the companionship of my marriage, it wasn’t right for over a decade, and slowly as I adjust I am realize more and more in reflection that the two of us now deserve the happiness we both want for each other. It just took too long to figure out how.
In my world my tears come from different reasons that I can personally wrap my head around. Only one other person knows the grief I feel, and it isn’t Hollywood, not Harlequin, this is simply my reality. My presence, alone.
© Scott F Savage
The irony is that those annual times when my departure was more impactful than I realized too late, now they have a reverse effect on me and slap me in the face.