I think when I watched ‘The Red Violin’ is when my world began to go dark. The content itself in this fascinating movie morose enough on its own, the score by John Corigliano haunts me even today when I start writing this passage. To be sure I have been listening to his compositions all morning, as they take my mind, heart and soul to these different places much like ‘The Red Violin’ does any time I play it while I am writing.
There is a horrific nature to the way the violin just interrupts the peaceful mechanics of our lives, rather than a predictable score, this music sears through the heart, leaves the mind gasping for air, and finally when thoughts are allowed to produce themselves, the words that land on paper are sometime revealing, always personal if not painful in their retelling of a moment in our lives.
Today, my world is addressing a weekend I’d rather sleep through than endure. A weekend where a travel would always take me away from someone I love. Over the past years, this person I love has held onto a fantasy that included me and it wasn’t until it was too late that it was revealed to me whenever I left, my distance hurt her to the bone.
Today, life is different and she hopefully will begin to trust what I implored with her whenever I was gone. That my love and desire and passion for her would rip through my heart, because even though our time together as forbidden as it were, to know the distance would limit our communication would devastate me. A certain ask for presence was something I tried so hard to understand, but failed miserably so many times. Though it wasn’t as I said until later, it was a two way street, not a one way carriage toward tragedy I always felt it to be.
So today I am on the early leg of the journey, the memory, timing each hour wafting through my mind for a variety of reasons but one, certainly I wish I could tell her personally. The time away was ritualistic but now it is clearly something was missing in the place and company. It was and will always be her.
© Scott F Savage 5/2020