A friend has always said to me, you have to put yourself first, find your peace of mind, discover who you really are, and allow yourself to be. This coming from a person who willingly beats herself up psychologically to such a degree I sometimes fear she may no longer see the compassion I will carry toward her heart for the remaining years of my life.
How one finds peace of mind, depends a lot upon letting things go, or holding on to what we believe to be the shining sparkle in the hope inside our lives. I think that when times have shown me the darker periods of my life, that is when my anxiety will rise and all confidence is lost. Having someone to keep you in check who truly wants your best interest in mind is a difficult friend to let go of, in fact, I never have as indicated by the many women and men in my life that hold a special place in my heart.
In recent months I have faced demons that have not surrounded me since my many years of full blown addiction. Over a decade ago I somehow was fortunate to gain the strength to put my addictions aside, and live a new life, live a life of pardon and forgiveness mixed with growing confidence and promise. There is a woman in my life who showed up to care for me and mend me in an obligatory manner. In a constant I was always aware and felt remorse for the pain I did place upon her and my children, but I worked hard on my recovery as evidenced by my ability to sit here this afternoon fifteen years later with little desire to step back into my addictive personality. The constant awareness is and will always be a necessity to my mental health and stamina.
So let’s start to include reasons this will belong in the right category – that of mental health.
Four months ago I began the process of a divorce that should have happened more than a decade ago. Yes, there is a correlation between my addiction recovery and my general unhappiness, but that in its reality pales to the gloom I have carried with me since I was a young teenager. The idea of breaking up a marriage that lasted over 30 years I believe is far easier than one that has managed for five, ten, even twenty years of a couple’s value with one another. Mine needed to come apart, and even though I am expressing readiness as I have been these past few months, I have still lost something dear to my heart.
Security in all of its respective reason is sometimes very difficult to attain. I haven’t experienced since a young boy, a time when I didn’t have to know my level of self- loathing far later in life than the immediacy of happiness.
For the last five months I often thought about ending my life. I sit here today thankful that I didn’t ever carry out such a dismal end. I do know that this has been a thought of mine for over 40 years – whenever something fatal to my reasoning has occurred in my life, that is when the thinking becomes more threatening. I hope not to return there anytime soon.
My therapist said to me recently I was in much better shape than a few weeks ago. She and I talked about it and at one point I said I do know the lows will return. I have had a friend be there for me on so many occasion in the last few years, and the loss of her time has been a cross for me to bear, not hers, mine for the dependency I place upon her stepping into my world and forgetting to some degree her own. I suppose though, my therapist is right, that there is a great potential for happiness if we allow it to begin as a part of our lives.
I wish for it.
© Scott F Savage 5/2020
the ‘b’ series