I walked outside tonight, like any other evening wondering about my life. I drove down the highway imagining headlights coming my way and losing control. I have to wonder why, I need to pull it together and again, as always recognize there is a purpose to my life. Just because things may not go my way, does that really suggest I should step away permanently. Not simply in the physical sense, perhaps the metaphysical.
There was a time in my life, where I did pursue stepping out of my body – it wasn’t a self destructive measure as much as a desire to find some manner of leaving my body. I really never knew the benefit, just that it would be an interesting thing to do. It was called astral projection in some circles of Eastern philosophy. I sometimes would use certain drugs to help me get there, but they were never successful. Though I did trip on acid one time, and I truly felt I was on a path that was letting me search for God. Being raised catholic, it seemed like the right thing to do.
I sat on the top level of an observation tower in my hometown, and searched the sky, it would seem to go forever, as I came to realize this artificial property I ingested was now showing me the capability of my mind. I came to believe that without the drug I might go further. In this state of mind, I suddenly came upon an imaginary wall that stopped me from letting my imagination travel further into the twilight. I was laying on my back on a chilly autumn night and it didn’t matter. I wanted to find God. I looked with my eyes everywhere I might above the horizon, and though quite fascinated with my travel, I knew I would get no further.
I recall being quite moved by the moment, and then I thought about space travel. If I could go this far without leaving the earth, imagine an astronaut glancing back at earth while having a vast galaxy surrounding them. What would they think about? Would they to find God, or maybe hope to find some higher meaning in our lives. I always believed they had a tremendous advantage.
I also thought back to what that drug had done to my state of mind. It changed me. I now looked at life with a different lens. I realized there was far more than the mechanical nature of our human condition. I came to believe we could all be creative. I also experienced compassion, a sort of enthralled desire to find closeness with someone that might care, or might need some affection to allow their own lives to find purpose.
I walked outside tonight, and the world was no different than thirty years ago. The crisp autumn, star lit sky still could leave me in tears, and it was a beautiful reality in my life.